10 WAYS TO HANDLE A BREAKUP

Staff writer Natalie and Mia Berrin of Manhattan-based band [+] POM POM SQUAD created a breakup guide explaining the best (and worst) ways to handle a split.

 

STATS – WHY WE’RE (UN)QUALIFIED

// MIA

# EXES: 2 definitive, 5090000 complicated probably

LONGEST RELATIONSHIP: 2 years

MOST RECENT RELATIONSHIP: current

TIMES I WAS DUMPED: 0.5

TIMES I DUMPED SOMEONE: 1.5

// NATALIE

# EXES: 2 definitive; several complicated

LONGEST RELATIONSHIP: I dumped my high school boyfriend via text after about 2 months. We kissed once.

MOST RECENT RELATIONSHIP: ended December 1, 2017

TIMES I WAS DUMPED: 1

TIMES I DUMPED SOMEONE: 1

 

// MIA’S BREAKUP DOS

[+] POM POM SQUAD

[Bandcamp] [Facebook] [Instagram]

 

(I have very little restraint)

[1] GO GHOST!!! BLOCK/UNFOLLOW UR EX AND ASSOCIATED PARTIES ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Yes! I know that social media blocking is the modern day equivalent of declaring someone dead to you, but sometimes you just don’t want to be reminded that your former SO is alive, kicking and maybe (probably) making out with other people. Not every breakup gets so ugly, but if you’re like me and ended up with a lot of friends divided on either end of the split, it’s ok to pull away for a while until you get your mind right — especially if they don’t understand your total aversion to all ex-related content. It took me a full year and a half to get back in the game post my last breakup and I still don’t want to see that shit! No offense!!!

[2] THINK CRITICALLY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED (KEEP A JOURNAL)

After the crying-at-least-once-per-day, actual physical heartache, part of your breakup settles take some time to think critically about what went down. Being in a relationship can be a really good way to measure where you’re at emotionally and what you might need in the future. Was your lover a bad communicator? Were you? Did you come to discover that there were certain things you just could not compromise on morally? Is there any sort of legitimate trauma to be dealt with?

These things will also become clearer with time, but it’s really helpful to have some kind of outlet for the thoughts and feelings you’re having. For me, it was therapy (huzzah) and keeping a journal— basically allowing myself private spaces where I could cry, be angry, and work through everything in an unbiased space.

[3] RECLAIM YOUR STUFF

Funnily the thing that really helped me get through my last breakup was writing the HATE IT HERE EP— without which no one would be asking me questions about my last breakup! Sometimes when you’re in a relationship for a long time, you don’t realize how much of yourself you’ve had to compromise to make space for an entire other person.

Try to reclaim  things that make you feel body and soul good. For me, that was playing music and dressing more like myself again (less, as my ex put it, “like I had a job”). I also really wholeheartedly believe that when you start doing what you love, the right people start coming into your life.

[4] EMOTIONAL HAIR CHANGE!!!*

*proceed with caution!
The rule of thumb is that it has to make you feel GOOD and like A WHOLE NEW PERSON. Definitely exercise some restraint here, do not chop off the beautiful jet black mop you have been growing out your whole life just because your ex liked it, UNLESS you’ve been thinking about it for a while and feel totally oppressed by it when you look in the mirror. I’m a huge fan of a color change personally… It’s drastic, but there’s nothing like ushering in a new era of your life like a solid #rebrand. ie pre:

post:

(also just a really good representation of where I was at)

[5] SOMETHING DRAMATIC*

*do not hurt yourself or others please!!!

Listen… I am… insane… but following your instinct can be very liberating. Sometimes it feels good to be an irrational girl even in small ways. Find an empty parking lot and scream into the sky without restraint! Fall asleep wearing nothing but eyeliner and a fur coat! Write letters that say every horrible disgusting thought you’re having about everyone who hurt you and never show them to anybody!! Give yourself a really good story to look back on and laugh, or cry, or both.

// NATALIE’S BREAKUP DON’TS

[1] DISASSOCIATE

In reality, you two most likely have to share space or even work together. Disassociation isn’t conducive to real life and will ultimately be made conscious and thus more painful. It’s best to learn how to forge a healthy dynamic with your ex, whether that means easing yourselves into friendship that could ultimately lead to romance again (but most of us are not that lucky) or being as civil as you can with one another.

[2] FEEL AS THOUGH YOU’RE BROKE

An advisor once said to me that romance and finance have the ability to bring anyone down. If a relationship equates to riches, a breakup equates to rags. You’re still you without this person; don’t give them the ability to rob you.

[3] OVERUSE SUBSTANCES

You’re entitled to a few intoxicated nights (or days) IF and ONLY IF you are:
a. monitored by friends
b. not in possession of your phone
c. not in the presence of your ex
Alcohol and drugs open the emotional floodgates and if you are not (see a, b, and c) chances are you will be sick to your stomach after too much gin slurring hurtful things to your ex. The best way to hash things out is in a sober and sound state. The goal here is respectful communication so as not to deepen any wounds.

[4] SEEK REVENGE

Some words I am not so proud of which I said during our post-breakup talk: “I wish I could say I’m sorry for invading your space but I’m not. You really fucked me over and I wanted to hurt you.”
You’ll ultimately be the one hurting. Romance and sadism go hand in hand. I was so bloodthirsty I went home with someone who happened to be staying at my ex’s house, thus:

[4B] INVADE YOUR EX’S SPACE

If you want to hurt that person and you find yourself preoccupied with how you can ruin their life, that means you still care. If you’re out for blood, kill it with kindness. No one is the bigger person when you’re both down. And PLEASE do not go home with someone who is couch crashing at your ex’s.

[5] BOTTLE IT UP

Find a way to let yourself experience your emotions in a constructive way. You’ll be more stable eventually if you abstain from burying your emotions. Feel now, process later. Avoid reckless and belligerent behavior (see 4B).

And, finally…

Listen to your friends, especially those who have more experience. They saw you through each phase of your relationship and it helps to have multiple pairs of eyes and ears examining the event, so long as you don’t get bogged down with excess information and analysis.

After all, how else are you going to combat breakup sadness without cocktails, cookies, and cuddles from the people who love you most?